An Open Letter to Commercial Terrorists
I was thinking recently after the new year of things that I might like to add into my life/character/other things that resolutions are made for. This also made me think that there are a number of things in life that I wish I could do away with. Somewhere towards the middlish-bottom of that list for me (but there nonetheless) is being the recipient of telemarketing, or what I call "commercial terrorism". Just when you thought a friend was calling to talk, you get the long telephone pause, then the background chatter, and finally the sales pitch. This is the dirty bomb of the marketing world, not really caring who it strikes, so long as it's a living person.
Recently at the office we were getting a lot of telemarketing calls all coming from the same source. Every time the receptionist would ask to be taken off the list. Every time they called back. So after repeating this dance a few times I decided to take matters into my own hands. I post it here to help encourage us in the war against hostile marketing. I've removed the names for since sending it they were quite hospitable in correcting the problem. In my opinion however, it's the system itself that is flawed. Maybe that could be my New Year's resolution: to strive to cultivate greater change. Hmm, perhaps next I'll start talking to the Missouri Dept. of Transportation . . .
"Dear______,
At my office, usually about once every two weeks we get a call from your subscription service asking us to sign up. Usually when the caller realizes they are talking with a receptionist they stop and ask “Oh, is this a business?” to which the receptionist always says yes, and then asks to be taken off their list (or speak to a supervisor and then ask). Two weeks later, repeat the same equation. Here’s the thing: we already get [insert product name here]. We’re not going to be receiving any more of it. All subsequent calls drive whatever fondness the office staff here has for you further into a dark dismal stewing upsetment (not a word, but I’m going for memorability here). Not only are we being disrespected by not honoring our request to stop cold-calling us, but also (and isn’t this the case with every telemarketer that calls you) it’s a bit frustrating to start over ever time because the person calling knows absolutely nothing about you. Heck, if you were to call us with a marketing proposal as to why every member of the staff here needed twelve subscriptions I might appreciate it, because at least then it would show us that you knew who we were and why you were calling. Sorry, I know I’ve been using the word “you” there, but I mean the entire entity as a whole. I know you’re not the person causing the problem, but maybe you could be the hero here and help us both out.
So _________, what do you think? I don’t like to see my staff get driven to the plummeting brink of madness, and I’m sure you don’t like to see the PR of _________ dragged through the proverbial mud. I promise that if anyone here starts to think that they might like a subscription, they’ll call. In the meantime, your subscription service is creating a culture of passionate anti-users.
Sincerely,
Kent Needler"
Happy 2008.
Recently at the office we were getting a lot of telemarketing calls all coming from the same source. Every time the receptionist would ask to be taken off the list. Every time they called back. So after repeating this dance a few times I decided to take matters into my own hands. I post it here to help encourage us in the war against hostile marketing. I've removed the names for since sending it they were quite hospitable in correcting the problem. In my opinion however, it's the system itself that is flawed. Maybe that could be my New Year's resolution: to strive to cultivate greater change. Hmm, perhaps next I'll start talking to the Missouri Dept. of Transportation . . .
"Dear______,
At my office, usually about once every two weeks we get a call from your subscription service asking us to sign up. Usually when the caller realizes they are talking with a receptionist they stop and ask “Oh, is this a business?” to which the receptionist always says yes, and then asks to be taken off their list (or speak to a supervisor and then ask). Two weeks later, repeat the same equation. Here’s the thing: we already get [insert product name here]. We’re not going to be receiving any more of it. All subsequent calls drive whatever fondness the office staff here has for you further into a dark dismal stewing upsetment (not a word, but I’m going for memorability here). Not only are we being disrespected by not honoring our request to stop cold-calling us, but also (and isn’t this the case with every telemarketer that calls you) it’s a bit frustrating to start over ever time because the person calling knows absolutely nothing about you. Heck, if you were to call us with a marketing proposal as to why every member of the staff here needed twelve subscriptions I might appreciate it, because at least then it would show us that you knew who we were and why you were calling. Sorry, I know I’ve been using the word “you” there, but I mean the entire entity as a whole. I know you’re not the person causing the problem, but maybe you could be the hero here and help us both out.
So _________, what do you think? I don’t like to see my staff get driven to the plummeting brink of madness, and I’m sure you don’t like to see the PR of _________ dragged through the proverbial mud. I promise that if anyone here starts to think that they might like a subscription, they’ll call. In the meantime, your subscription service is creating a culture of passionate anti-users.
Sincerely,
Kent Needler"
Happy 2008.
posted by KAN at 6:29 PM
4 Comments:
that sounds good!
I got rid of Omaha Steaks calling me by telling them I was dead.
Really.
"Hello, is Mr. Aha--um, aharororniannnen--there?"
"No, I'm sorry, he's been involved in a serious accident, and has recently died."
"Oh."
"Please don't ever call back. It's still too fresh in my mind."
Click...
Okay, that above comment made me laugh.
I read once that you could actually make some money by keeping records of when the telemarketers call you and then suing them if they call you back since they broke the "Do Not Call" law. Anyway, this dude was bringing in a few thousand a year by taking them to small claims court over this. Perhaps a little much, but interesting nonetheless.
Just thought I'd add to the conversation. :)
Thanks, Kate. That is interesting. I was told the other day that it is illegal for them to call cell phones, so if that is true, I just might be safe from here on out. I'll keep that in mind, though, if I'm ever looking for money and a hobby.
Jake: nice. Way to stick it to the meat sellers.
It's been a month. Time for another update. :)
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